So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
