Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
