In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
FUCK WHALES
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
