I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
