Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
