So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
