Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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