I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
