I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
