FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
