I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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