So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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