my phone needs a breathalizer
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
