if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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