you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
