I accidentally had phone sex last night
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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