Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
