I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
