Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
