so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
