you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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