Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
