theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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