I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
