I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
