i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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