Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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