Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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