Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Randomize
