At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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