I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
