No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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