FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
