I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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