best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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