I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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