around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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