America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
