I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
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He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
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............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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