rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Randomize
