chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
