my phone needs a breathalizer
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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