that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
