Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
