I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
