sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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