I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
