I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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