The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
