Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
