Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
