Just cropdusted the office
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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