im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
