the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
