Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
