I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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