after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
